Sex tapes

Gawker had a post about making your own sex tape in lieu of the recent premiere of yet another celebrity sex tape, this time starring Gene Simmons. A three step process is all there is to consider before hitting the red button. Lasting advise: porn is forever. I watched two short clips of the Gene Simmons sex tape and I was wildly unimpressed. It was about as exciting as watching two slugs hump. The bousite wearing woman was obviously a hooker and just going through the motions. Every time Gene went in for a kiss, she averted her face. We all know what Laura San Giacomo taught us girls in Pretty Woman. You never kiss the johns. Sadly, Gene Simmons' reality show promotes the image of Gene as a rock-n-roll bed buccaneer. I think they are going to need a new marketing scheme.

All these sex tapes have got to put a real damper on porn actors and aspiring entertainers. Just as celebrities killed the era of the super model, will the Jenna Jameson's of the world soon be out of work? Will the slow death of the celebrity now include drug abuse and rehabilitation, reality television shows, nude photo shoots, where-are-they-now rag features and exploitative sex tapes? I think the sex industry should start using B-F celebrities for their own lucrative means. We have reality television shows about making celebrities, detoxing celebrities, slimming celebrities, and celebrities doing their laundry. Why not recruit celebrities for reality sex camps, naughty cooking shows, and dormitory shows with real sex? After watching Gene Simmons in action, it's apparent that the man needs a sex coach or at the very least a can of Jolt. Everything 80's is big now and returning to the big screen. I think the little screen needs Demi Moore, Grace Jones, Morgan Fairchild, and Markie Post in an all girl's dormitory.

For broke ass ramen eatin' college kids

As I was driving into work this morning, I caught an interview with Coolio (you know - Gangsta's Paradise) on Jamin 94.5. Coolio was promoting his cooking show, the Ghetto Gourmet. I have to admit, Coolio was pretty funny. I have new entertainment at lunchtime. New episodes every Wednesday.

"This here is steak. This is not a prime cut of meat. It's not a choice cut of beef. It's not a Colby steak. This is some bull shit."

Brilliant.

Post-Flu

According to a recent Boston Globe article, the flu is rapidly spreading across New England. The strain used in this year's vaccination is doing very little to curb its migration. I neglect to get vaccinated every year. I have a healthy immune system that has stood up to high school students and musky buildings. Unfortunately, my streak of good health was ruined last Friday by a contagious cough that had recently blanketed the school with its misery. I don't believe I had full blown influenza, just a moderate cold that left me exhausted. I spent the weekend in bed faithfully taking Tylenol Sinus and Severe Cold every four hours. I have a residual stuffing nose and a wheeze when I deeply inhale. I am luckier than most.

Last night, I was speaking to my twin brother about a vodcast I had watched from iFanboy.com. The three fanboys shared their appreciation for one of my favorite artists, Alan Davis. Alan Davis drew several X-Men titles, including one of my favorites, Excalibur. Not only did Excalibur include Kitty Pryde, my all time favorite comic book hero, but a great team ensemble that included Nightcrawler and Rachel Summers as Phoenix. His art is elegant, clean, but approachable. My brother and I shared our picks for this week. According to Christopher, I am supposed to be excited that Bucky is the new Captain America, but this passing of the iconic shield doesn't inspire me to purchase the book. Why kill a cold war figure and replace him with another cold war figure? We were discussing Fantastic Four and Mark Millar's arrival when our conversation was interrupted. Here's how it went...

Julie: Who gives a shit about Bucky? I'm not buying it.

Chris: You better pick that up for me.

Julie: Dude, why do I have to buy it?

Chris: You know I can't get out...Oh, and pick up Fantastic Four because Mark Millar from Wanted is writing it now. And, you forgot to give me my Buffy's when you were in last you stupid whore.

Julie: Yeah, I know - I'll send them to you.

Chris: Hold on...Diane is asking me a question...No, you don't have meningitis...

Julie: She thinks she has meningitis?

Chris: She has a headache and her neck is sore...Diane, you don't have meningitis - you have a cold.

Julie: Her lymph nodes are probably just inflamed.

Chris: Julie, I gotta go. I gotta take care of Diane...Later.

Like I said, I am luckier than most.

Mood Indigo

I have been feeling blue for the past couple weeks. Once again, I have been disappointed by the male species. I attract emotionally scarred men like Britney attracts the pap. When I see Crazy walking down the street - I run right up to him! My therapist, the Italian, recommended a six month period of celibate self reflection. I'm considering three months. During this time I am supposed to discover new and forgotten passions and the self confidence I lost somewhere in 1978. It was also highly recommended that I stop obsessing about unworthy men since this seems to encumber my happiness. The Italian also encouraged me to explore artistic endeavors and new friendships. Frankly, I have no idea how to make new friends. It's much easier in a school based environment. Bonding is so much easier when you're passing the dutchie to the left hand side.

Here is a list of things that I think suck:

• I'm not emotionally crippled enough for trendy rehab or psychiatric ward - just celibacy.
• My brother hosted a birthday party with five kids, eight adults, and one bad of tortilla chips.
• February 4 - 8, 2008
  
• Kitty Pryde is trapped in a gigantic bullet speeding toward planet earth.
• Peter Parker is once again single.
• Our defense budget is the largest since World War II.
• John McCain is the inevitable Republican candidate for Presidency.
• I learned the word "cuddle" makes some men retreat in fear.
• I also learned that hope dwindles when men avoid answering questions.

Coccinella septempunctata or otherwise known as Beatrix

Just a little over a week ago, I noticed a lady bug in my bathroom when I was getting ready for work. I don't consider ladybugs lucky. Generally, I avoid touching insects unless my hand is engulfed within a cocoon of tissue paper. Since I was in a rush, I left the ladybug alone and didn't give it another thought. The next day I saw that it had crawled onto my bathroom window sill. The following day the ladybug was almost washed down my bathroom sink when I turned on the faucet. I turned off the water quickly but it had disappeared down the drain. However, to my surprise the ladybug crept from the drain and started its trek up the sink wall. It was then that I named it Beatrix. I was told that I should place Beatrix outside so it could feed on insects. I thought ladybugs liked to eat plants so Beatrix was relocated to my spider plant. I guess she wasn't happy with her new home since she was last seen crawling across my kitchen counter. I decided to read up on the Coccinella septempunctata.

Things I didn't know:

• The ladybug is the state insect of Massachusetts.
• It has a life cycle of about 4-7 weeks.
• It belongs to the Coccinellidae family and is actually a beetle.
• They are predators of aphids or plant lice.
• Its name comes from Latin coccineus, referring to the color scarlet.

I plan on placing Beatrix outside tomorrow. The idea of larvae hatching in my apartment makes me a bit queasy. Beatrix may very well be in a state of reproductive diapause (which would be a really good name for a band) during which eggs are not produced. Basically, reproductive diapause is sexual hibernation or a copulation vacation. No wonder she found her way to my home!